How to deal with upset customers is a question posed to me by a client. No doubt a ranting customer is a nightmare scenario that can be ignited or defused depending on how you handle it. This sort of thing can also destroy a relationship.

Unfortunately, instinct is not our friend. Stress pioneer Hans Selye talked about two polar opposite responses to stress — fight or flight. Neither can be productive.

What’s the alternative? I propose a four-part process and staying present to your desired outcome, which should be a renewed customer relationship. How do you do that? By offering a solution that reaffirms our competence and trustworthiness. It begins with a mind-set shift from “It’s not my fault “ to “He’s really in pain and needs help.” But this is easier said than done.

Step 1. Show empathy! Empathy means we accept their feelings and position. Allow his pressures and challenges to become yours, which is only achieved by walking in that person’s shoes. The cliché “I know how you feel” does not work. The intent of showing empathy is to encourage venting, because until released it continues to attack. Then, after showing empathy, do this – stop and pause. Silence. Give him the space to vent.

Step 2. Listen and ask questions to better understand the situation. The danger is in thinking you already know; chances are you don’t. Assumptions only produce the ‘same-old’ options. Clarity gives us access to creative solutions. Also, the process of venting and sharing gradually shifts your customer from emotion to logic.

The bridge to the third step is ‘summarizing,’ ensuring you’ve listened accurately and completely. Consider this guideline — feelings first, facts second.

Step 3. Offer alternatives, possible solutions, and actions. The biggest mistake people make is arriving at this step too quickly by leapfrogging the first two steps before the scope of the problem is fully understood, and before the customer migrates to The Land of Logic. Giving people a choice is particularly powerful when they feel victimized. Begin with what is possible. Erase from your lexicon words like “Unfortunately, we can’t…..” that’s a sure route back to anger.

Step 4. Check and ensure the conflict has been resolved and the customer is ready to move forward. It means no vestige of being upset remains. Otherwise, it’s like playing Monopoly; the Chance card says ‘Go back to Go but do not collect $200.’ This process is iterative and time-independent.

Remember, always keep the end in mind, let go of your righteousness, and choose the Empathy-Understand-Offer-Check path. It’s hard work and like any skill, it takes practice. The good news is that in this world of turmoil and chaos, there is no shortage of upset people to practice on.